Get a chicken, about 4 pounds. Take out all the guts. If you weren't making dumb chicken, you would take the kidney and neck and heart and liver and boil 'em with some other shit and make chicken stock for later or gravy or soup or something. And even though you feel bad about not using all those gizzards that the poor pioneer women used to prize for their nutritious content when they were starving in the terrible errible freezing winter wind, you're tired as hell and you can't deal with a chicken kidney.What sort of candy-ass Stepford wife can't deal with a goddamn chicken kidney?
So go on and get a plastic zipper bag and put those guts in there and throw 'em in the freezer. You'll be glad you did next time you're making stock.
Rinse the goddamn dumb chicken and dry it off. Set it aside.
Get a few potatoes, it's okay if they're a little old and mushy. What am I? Miss Goddamn America? Peel those or maybe you can get a goat to peel them for you, assuming your goat has been thusly trained and believe me I know--that's a tall order. Get some carrots too and peel those unless you're using up some lame-ass pre-peeled "baby" carrots leftover from what you packed in the your goat's lunch all week.
If you're dealing with big-ass potatoes and carrots, cut that stuff up into what I'd call 2 1/2 inch pieces. I'm too damn tired to go explaining how you adapt a 2 1/2 inch measurement to a potato or a carrot, so figure it out. Don't worry if you eff it up. It's called dumb chicken for a reason.Peel an onion. Cut it in half if it's a big or quarters if it's a really huge mother. Try to keep that little button of flesh* intact at the bottom of the onion and that way, the onion will stay nice instead of falling into pieces, but this is dumb chicken and it won't matter much if if does.
Get a small roaster or casserole and schlep some olive oil in there. Plop the potatoes and carrots and onion in the bottom and shake some Lawry's seasoned salt on there or regular salt or salt and your own herb concoction if you think your Wofgang Puck** for chrissake. Drizzle some oil on top of those.
Looking at my pix here, I see I had all the veggies done before I even opened up the chicken. Who cares? It's dumb chicken.
Shake the seasoned salt inside the chicken and all around the outside. Yeah, you could have stuffed the dumb chicken, but that sounds like cooking, which is why you're making dumb chicken to begin with.Oh yeah, put about a half cup of water in the pan.
Plop that miserable bird on top of the veggies and put the whole operation in the oven, uncovered, at 450 degrees for 45 minutes to an hour. I know that's not what the plastic shrink wrap on the chicken said, just do it anyway.
According to my pic down there, looks like I tied the chicken's legs together. Must have had some energy boost when I was getting near the finish line. Or maybe I didn't like the way the legs were flopping around or felt guilty about not stuffing the mother.
Dunno.
That's my problem. You don't have to tie your chicken legs so don't worry about it.
This dumb chicken is pretty good, particularly with an easy-drinking chardonnay. Add a salad and a chunk of bread and your goat and baby goat will love it.
*I know what this reminds you of. But don't start thinking about that or you know what will happen and then dinner'll be 15 minutes late, 20 if you take your goat along.
**Or a Retired Army Guy
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