Cranky Life Lessons
At the age of 71, I feel it is my duty to impart some of my life’s knowledge to younger generations. Younger generations being anyone under 60. Anyone 60 or older will be well aware of these life lessons.
1. In a restaurant, always be nice to the wait-staff, they are serving something you plan to put in your mouth.
2. Never cut off a pick-up truck.
3. Man/woman/fit/fat or scrawny, never pick a fight with someone who has a neck tattoo.
4. Do not EVER tell a woman how she should feel.
5. Do not reward a whiney person with what they are whining about.
6. When pouring scotch, don’t let the ice cubes float.
7. If someone asks “Does this smell funny?” Do not smell it. Definitely don't taste it.
8. Dog crap does not smell until you step in it.
9. If at first you don’t succeed call someone who knows what the hell they are doing.
10. If someone lost their wallet and needs money for bus fare, they are lying.
11. Never trust a fart.
12. If someone wants to bet you that they can do something that is impossible to do; they can do it.
13. If a bird shits on you, no matter what anyone tells you, it is not lucky.
14. “Waste not want not” only works if what you don’t waste is something you want.
15. A lifetime guarantee is only as good as the lifetime of the company that gives it to you…and then there will be a loop-hole.
16. Sometimes in a relationship, when a person “completes” you, it means they make you a complete idiot.
17. The only time in your life that is more miserable then when you are a teenager is when you have a teenager.
18. If “Baby needs a new pair of shoes,” get a second job.
19. The last pistachio nut in a bag will be rotten…and you will eat it anyway.
20. If you root for the Jets or the Mets, they will eventually break your heart.
21. Never lend money that you can’t easily afford to lose. If you want to help, make it a gift. People love a benefactor, but they hate their creditor.
22. When a woman asks, “Do I look fat in this?” and she does, the answer is “You never look fat, but that dress is not especially flattering.” *
23. Intelligence is like water, it will always seek its own level.
24. The best revenge against an asshat, is the knowledge that he/she is an asshat.
25. If you think you may have had too much to drink, you have.
* Actually there is no good answer to this question.
* Actually there is no good answer to this question.
That’s it, at least that is all I’ve got. I’ll bet there are some other old farts out there with important lessons of survival.
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