Sigma Chi Alumnus
United States Senate
Dear Sen. Chambliss,
As a Sigma Chi alum, I'm sure you're very disappointed with the University of Nebraska for suspending the fraternity. They simply don't understand that what some might call "hazing" is, in actuality, some of the best training for entering the most elite conservative circles a young man can receive.I mean, hey, how many times have you walked out of a meeting with oil or agri-business lobbyists feeling like a stripper had crammed a vibrator up the ol' senatorial chambers? More importantly, do you remember how surprisingly good that reaming felt as the lobbyist whispered seductively about the pleasures of contribution bundling into your ear? It's just the way things are done between consenting Senators and corporations.
Sure, these young men may have engaged harsh pledging techniques, but, by God, they were doing in a ritualistic way, employing metaphor to honor and celebrate the principles of free market capitalism, and by God, I will not sit by silently, while Godless, socialist servants of the academy, run down the American economic system by punishing these fine future apparatchiks of the oligarchy. And you shouldn't either.
That's why I'm asking you to join me in protest against the University of Nebraska's actions. I'm thinking May Day, May 1st, the communist holiday, would be a perfect time to stage it. I'll play the role of the stripper lobbyist, you can be yourself, the "business-friendly" senator.
Send me a note, and we'll tidy up the rest of the arrangements.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot, teabagger
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